Buddy recently saw a match.com advert on the TV and asked me to sign up to get him a daddy. I cant begin to tell you how gutted I felt for him. His father has never met him, his choice, no contact at all. I don’t even know if he is alive or dead. I do know which I am rooting for.
But it did get me thinking.
How do you deal with a man as a single Mum? You know, when and if one shows up in your life.
How on earth would I handle that? No rude comments now!
I should clarify that I am in no way planning to get a man. I did have a date three weeks ago……………… disaster was not the word! (Note to self: blogging about this may aid recovery!)
But I do observe other women in my situation all going about it very differently.
One mother introduces every man she meets, usually in the morning after they had stayed the night. She once told me she couldn’t do without sex for more than a few weeks, so she always kept an online dating profile. In my honest opinion this is stupidity personified. I see danger here to both the mother and her two children. And also, it makes me want to vomit. Yuck-Yuck-Yuckity-Yuck.
I’ve just eaten a chocolate bar, I’m not wasting good chocolate so i’m not going to think about this any further!
Then there are those who keep things a total secret. I can see the logic. I mean, if you can manage to keep a casual-ish relationship under wraps then brilliant, no one is going to get disappointed, no disturbance to the family unit when it ends. But sneaking about like a cat burglar has got to be a lot of hard work, and those tight black outfits would show a LOT of tummy wobble! This does suppose the relationship will end, I know I’m pessimistic, but if I am going to risk cat burglar tummy wobble, I’d like to think it was an investment into my future happiness. AND you’d have to have somewhere to go, once you have smuggled in a babysitter and made them sign the official secrets act, where no one knows you. Going by my only-date-in-four-years disaster, this is a big ask! And what if the secret thing is the way HE wanted it? I don’t think I would like that at all.
Introducing him as ‘mummies friend’. I can see the temptation to do this. I mean, we all have friends. Children don’t seem bothered by friends at all. Except children aren’t stupid, most of the blighters are sharp as tacks, and they are going to notice that this friend is different to the others, even if you don’t allow ‘sleepovers’.
There is one single mother i know of who did the whole ‘here is your new daddy, we are getting married’ thing. Her beau was a secret to all but one of her friends. They decided to marry and she introduced him to her children and family by saying ‘mummy is getting married’ and showing them her engagement ring. He moved in the next week.
I think that if someone was to ask my advice I would tell them to keep it secret at first, till they had checked him out in every way they could. Seen him drunk, seen him angry, seen him stressed. I’d say, use Clare’s law, and if he refused to sign to let them know of any criminal history, don’t go any further the relationship. End it, there and then! I’d insist that they expect him to respect their boundaries, and if he did , maybe they could relax and slowly, slowly let him into their children’s lives.
It must work for some, surely? Just not me….. maybe.